do you wanna kick it?

What does it mean when someone wants to kick it?

Yo... lets jus hang out... you down?

Ay, I'm on this side of town, what's good?

Can I come thru and jus chill?

____

I jus had a major realization... that I do NOT know how to just... 'kick it'. The term has become so foreign to me and my capability to even understand it boggles me.

I don't know how to hang out.

I'm here at my job texting at one of my good friends askinghim what he's up to. He said 'with ____ & _____ jus kickin it. Nothing loll' and I was jus so... idk about it.

What do you mean nothing? What are you doing? Lol why AREN'T you doing something?

Man... my mind cannot grasp the fact of jus hanging out. Is it because I've been working on music and nothing BUT music? I mean... I literally just moved back from Jersey. From the moment I woke up to the last minute til going to bed, all I did was music. I worked at 2 hospitals and was a sushi chef jus to make ends meet and all I remember about work was that I had music to work on when I got home. Working on music was like breathing. Involuntary. Necessary for living. Essential for getting thru the day. My whole LIFE. And nothing else.

As I think back, I can remember the day I decided I was going to do no matter WHAT it takes to make it happen. Happiness was a pursuit, not a gift given. It was a bonus that needed to be earned. I promised myself I would do whatever it took. So I dropped out of nursing school (which was already a bitch to get into), looked for a new job in Jersey, fought with my family, fought with gf at the time, and turned on the swtich to a new journey. Completely tunnel visioned. Absolutely focused. Permanently driven... to music.

Working g 2-3 jobs during those two years was nothing. It was a way to make ends meet, jus so I can continue to work on music. I couldn't / didn't want to see my friends who wanted to go out, grab a bite to eat, or jus 'chill' cause I jus needed to finish this mix. Or I need to work on an assignment for my boss. Or push it til next time because I have an artist over. Or can't make it today cause ill be in the city for studio session. Every single excuse was BECAUSE of music.
How can I kick it, when I never made time for it? I was always about trying to accomplish something everyday because I wanted to get to my goal faster. I wanted to feel like I got something done with music. I want to make sure I felt like I did something today that got me closer to my goal. If what I was doing.g wasn't getting me closer to my dream... it was a waste of time. I wanted to make it THAT bad.

In the end, the circle of friends became less than 10 fingers worth. I lost a relationship I was working with (or trying to at least), my parents became unhappy with me, and I was jus barely living. That drive of making it in music superseded all of that. And if I lost it all, I truly didn't care. I was so.... blind.

*big breath.....*

Man, where did I wonder off to? Lol so much for vomit writing on an android. My point to myself was to just realize that I need to make an effort to find the happiness in other things such as friendships, love, and family.... which I'm working on now. I don't want to ever feel like one thing should be the driving force of my happiness because the imbalance it could cause will drive me to another period of depression. Another deep self evaluation of my life. Another emo self realization. Another reality check.

Damn... I need to stop this blog now. Getting teary eyed with this. Idk why. Part of me feels one way (the old way) and part of me is recovering and rebuilding from... just not Being.
Happiness is just so hard to gain in this life... but how would we ever appreciate the happiness if we didn't work so hard for it. Would it be happiness if it was given? Would gratitude and humility and appreciation even be meaningful?

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